Thank God for Eye Candy

It has been a while since the last time I got to meet cute strangers, moreso have a conversation and share a meal with them. Thanks to Elaine for making it happen. I just needed some what my sister would call "positive distraction". That is what I got when I crashed Elaine's team's inuman session this evening.

Usually, at around this time, I am already asleep because I would be all tired from working and studying. But not this time. It's already 1:33 am and I am still very much awake. Woohoo for thoughtful friends! Thank God for the beautiful creatures he showers me with from time-to-time for me to look at. Haha!

God Truly Knows...

...the desires of our hearts...

I just woke up and after a silent prayer and doing some stretching, I reached out for the bible placed on top of my TV to find comfort in His words.

I opened it randomly at the Song of Songs Chapter 8. Written, towards the end of the chapter were these words..."Do not arouse, do not stir up love, before its own time."

With these words, I am comforted as I face another day. I am still hurting but there are still bountiful blessings I should be grateful for.

Nina, who is a very interesting person I met in a flight to Minnesotta last year, is such a delight since she is constantly keeping in touch no matter how busy and demanding her work is. The thing is, you can really feel her sincerity despite the fact that she is a celebrity and an accomplished person in her chosen field.

I am thankful to the supervisor of Mochablends in SM Dasma since he was very considerate as he allowed me to use his wifi access when the entire Mochablends was offline, knowing that I needed to check something urgent.

See? I really should be keeping a Things to be Grateful For journal, not only to keep track of things, people, or events that made me happy or hopeful in the kindness of other people; but also to remind me that I really should still be thankful despite the trials, hurts, and pains because life would be a little blah and boring without them.

Maybe

I have been listening to Ingrid Michaelson's Maybe for the past few days of my waking moments, when I do not have anything better to do or simply when I cannot concentrate on what I am supposed to do. It purges all the pain and emptiness I have been feeling these past few days. To those of you who really know me, I am a very transparent person. No matter how brave a front I put up, the people closest to me would know that something's not right with me. You can just imagine how difficult it is for me to face my parents every single day, the mask I wear to cover-up how I truly feel inside. Why do I do this? Because I need to be strong, because there are far more important things to take care of and be concerned about than my almost-always-there-but-nonetheless-non-existent affairs of the heart.

"I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will..."

Actually, this has been taken care of already. I do not think I have to say goodbye since what good would it bring? That fateful email is as good as goodbye. Maybe a goodbye should be good so that I can get closure? But what do I need closure for? You need to tell me because honestly I do not know anymore...A good friend of mine's probably right, I saw what I wanted to see because I wanted something to happen. But then again, I took everything for what it was, and I do not think it is fair to put labels on whatever I had with you except for the fact that to me everything was REAL...or at least I thought it was real...

"The only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back to me..."

How do you let go of someone who was never yours to begin with? The past few weeks had me feel like I was preparing for something big, only for me to find out later on that I was not actually going to be a part of it. I should be okay with it, if only someone bothered to let me know I am not and never will be a part of it. There's no coming back to wait for or hope for...

I was never the wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve kind of person until lately and is the pain all worth it? Yes. Putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable was the least pragmatic thing I have done but I have no regrets. It hurts badly but life goes on. I just pray that all these things I am going through right now would help me become a better person. I am just grateful that these things happening made me more appreciative of the things that should actually matter...family, friends, and life itself...

I have been constantly evolving, and still am...Is the shy, vanilla, and vulnerable Ana still here? Or have I been changed once again into a crazy, jaded, and cynical bitch? Maybe...Maybe not...All I know is that I will aspire to be a better version of myself without compromising who I really am.

While staring at the vacant seat in front of me...

I realized, so this is how it feels like be hung out to dry...