Maybe

I have been listening to Ingrid Michaelson's Maybe for the past few days of my waking moments, when I do not have anything better to do or simply when I cannot concentrate on what I am supposed to do. It purges all the pain and emptiness I have been feeling these past few days. To those of you who really know me, I am a very transparent person. No matter how brave a front I put up, the people closest to me would know that something's not right with me. You can just imagine how difficult it is for me to face my parents every single day, the mask I wear to cover-up how I truly feel inside. Why do I do this? Because I need to be strong, because there are far more important things to take care of and be concerned about than my almost-always-there-but-nonetheless-non-existent affairs of the heart.

"I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will..."

Actually, this has been taken care of already. I do not think I have to say goodbye since what good would it bring? That fateful email is as good as goodbye. Maybe a goodbye should be good so that I can get closure? But what do I need closure for? You need to tell me because honestly I do not know anymore...A good friend of mine's probably right, I saw what I wanted to see because I wanted something to happen. But then again, I took everything for what it was, and I do not think it is fair to put labels on whatever I had with you except for the fact that to me everything was REAL...or at least I thought it was real...

"The only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back to me..."

How do you let go of someone who was never yours to begin with? The past few weeks had me feel like I was preparing for something big, only for me to find out later on that I was not actually going to be a part of it. I should be okay with it, if only someone bothered to let me know I am not and never will be a part of it. There's no coming back to wait for or hope for...

I was never the wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve kind of person until lately and is the pain all worth it? Yes. Putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable was the least pragmatic thing I have done but I have no regrets. It hurts badly but life goes on. I just pray that all these things I am going through right now would help me become a better person. I am just grateful that these things happening made me more appreciative of the things that should actually matter...family, friends, and life itself...

I have been constantly evolving, and still am...Is the shy, vanilla, and vulnerable Ana still here? Or have I been changed once again into a crazy, jaded, and cynical bitch? Maybe...Maybe not...All I know is that I will aspire to be a better version of myself without compromising who I really am.