Untitled

I just got back yesterday from a four-day holiday with my sister in Kuala Lumpur. It was just a few days of relaxation, exploration, and of communion with my sister and of the place we dared explore. Kuala Lumpur's charm exudes from its ability to maintain its rustic side while incorporating a few modern twists. It has a tansportation system so efficient that going around the city was never a problem at all. We met a lot of nice people too, despite my parents incessant worries that we were trudging a dangerous place. I would love to share with you every little detail of that trip, from the annoying and high-handed immigration officer in Clark up to the point where we landed safely in Malaysia and back. I will do that next time, probably when my fever's gone. I remember that I haven't even written anything wortwhile as well about my Camiguin trip. Oh well...I will try to do all those in the coming days as I try to be the I-live-each-day-as-if-it-were-my-last type of person. (Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes truly struck me when one of the lines in the book said: Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly. An entry in Maria's journal, p.206.)

Leave Me Alone, Will Yah?

It happened again and I really have no idea why. I went to the mall come lunchbreak to get the tickets to the basketball game that my sister, cousin Jerome, and myself will be seeing this Sunday. It was a promised birthday treat for Jerome as he turns 10 this year...Going back to what I was saying, after I got the tickets, I decided to grab a bite at the foodcourt since I didn't want to carry out food and bring it to the office and eventually eat it in my cube. I was by my lonesome but I didn't mind. I am used to eating alone if I had to. I ordered garlic rice with pork adobo and garlic spinach. I was savoring my meal with each mouthful when all of a sudden a tall, decent-looking man approached me. And I knew at that moment that a bomb was set off. "Do I know you from somewhere Miss?" he said, to which I replied "No. You don't know me from Adam." I had that expression which said just leave me alone and let me enjoy this quiet time by myself, but I suppose the message didn't get across. Again, he said, "What school did you go to? You really look familiar." That was it! That sealed his fate as I gave him the look which I only unleash when I'm really pissed. Then I said "Can't you see I'm having lunch here? Please just leave me alone." And then I looked away as I muttered under my breath that his pick-up line really sucked. I really don't know why it almost always happens to me. Do I conduct myself in a manner by which makes me qualified to be preyed upon by people who do not have anything worthwhile to do but crack small talk with poeple they see as vulnerable and who they think will bite? I realized that in a society such as ours where people put a premium on couplehood, single people such as myself are easy targets and are considered freaks. Be that as it may, it doesn't give people the right to badger me just because they see I am alone because honestly, I am doing fine...well at least for now. And next time please!!!...try to come up with something innovative and maybe...just maybe I might reconsider.

Random Musings

Here I am, in front of my laptop, groping for words as I've been so out of it lately. Didn't go to work today since I've been down with a fever. I don't know but this is probably because of the weather, the sweltering heat that I feel so sluggish...The past few days have been really difficult for me since I've been feeling really down. I know I shouldn't be complaining. Not that my life's so bad, it has never been that way actually. But have you ever felt that despite everything that you are and have, there's this nagging sense of emptiness that crawls and feeds on your gut? I have been trying to pinpoint what could've been causing this and after pushing my brains to think deep and hard, I realized it was one of those fateful days when a friend of mine asked me to try something out and I did, thinking that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain in the process. But I did...I lost my heart which I think I will never get back whole again.

Closure

Just minutes ago, I made the most painful decision I've ever made in my life. I erased you completely in my life. Every remnant of you, every trace of you I no longer shall see. The pain's seeping down to my bones but pain never felt this good for I am free. Finally! The closure I've been waiting for. I've never been this vulnerable but loving you made me. I just wish for myself that at least I could be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on or when things get pretty rough. I never asked for you to tell me what's going on inside your head even though I am dying to understand you. But at least let me be there for you in the best way I know how. I never asked you to need me for what I give you is unconditional.

Wherever you may be, I do hope you carry with you the love I showered you with and all the good times we had. I wish you good health, a sound mind, and an accepting heart. I fervently hope that you find what you've been searching for and I wish for your happinness even if it means you not being with me. I don't have anymore left to say to you but I love you dearly, and I always will...Happy birthday...

CDO and Camiguin Part 1

I am currently in an internet cafe here in Cagayan de Oro. It's been six days of pure bliss under the sun in Camiguin. My friend and I are here to purchase tickets for our return flight to Manila. Of course there are ocassional stress and irritants but I guess these things are inevitable since we can't have everything we want right? One thing I realized while vacationing was the fact that I miss my family so much. Sure everyone's nice and makes you feel at home but I still feel that it would've been better with family. Anyway, I was just trying to finish up the remaining credits I have in this dusty internet cafe and I'd be going in a while. More to come.

The Things I Do When My Days Are Blah

I've never been this excited in my life. My heart's pounding and throbbing from all the anticipation I will have to endure in the coming days. I'd say that this has been the most important choice I have ever made as far as decision-making is concerned. I decided to give in to you...I finally admitted to myself that I can no longer take you for granted, that there won't be any way for me to ignore you...that it is actually time for me to heed your call...I will give you my full, undivided attention this time. I will be looking forward to the day when I stand face-to-face with you just a breath away from me. I will bask in your beauty, your might, your strength until you fill me with every detail of everything that makes you wonderful...I no longer can contain it...My head feels light just thinking of what will be in store for us...Be ready for me Petronas, prepare for this woebegone soul who finally had the courage to explore and face you head on...

Hehe...That's me in my most timang state. The past two weeks had been really blah for me so I decided to do the craziest thing ever. I booked a flight for me and my sister to Kuala Lumpur in one of those budget trips just moments before. I never realized until of late that I had this wanderlust that needed to be satisfied. So with everyone else hitting slumberville, off I went to make online bookings and reservations. Wohoo!!! I don't think mom would disapprove because she may be strict when it comes to other matters like us having late night outs but she never tried to stop us when we wanted to see some place different where we could learn a thing or two. I am just sooooo excited...I never want to obsess on the small things regarding this trip since I just want to have a great time with my sister and just try to be a backpacker for a day or two. I will try to just go with the flow and not nitpick on things...I will try...I will try...

Untitled

I've never felt so alone in my life. And it was so ironic that I felt it when unconfirmed news of another baby in the family is on its way came out...Yes, you read it right folks! We are going to have another baby after 22 years. And it doesn't help that The Rainbow Connection's (which Sarah Mclachlan sang in an infuriatingly beautiful way) playing in my iPod right now. Brings back memories of my childhood when my only major concern was how to get through the day without me getting caught playing outside the house.

I should've known that it bothered me since I really had a blah day at the office and I was so out of sync. I just kept pushing the thought at the back of my head. I never realized that the news affected me so much until when I got home from work this evening. I kissed everyone when I got home but then it seemed like I wasn't really there. I felt like I was floating while I was in my own private shell where nobody could penetrate. Then I headed straight for my room, undressed and changed clothes and just lay on top of my bed. I shut the world out by turning the volume of my player full blast until I dozed off. But I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. I really felt so alone. My sister, who's usually sensitive with the things I do NOT say, just managed a simple "Are you okay, Ate? What's wrong?" and then continued talking with her friend on the phone when she first saw me. I was never lacking of attention from the people who mattered to me but at that moment I felt I was the biggest KSP alive. Pathetic huh? I really don't know why I am feeling this way. Probably it's been so long that we had a baby in the family and it didn't help that it is my mom who's going to have a baby. Hell yeah! That's it!!! It's supposed to be me, well in the natural order of things that is. Or it could even be my sister, but not mom. But then she's the one. And how selfish and mean of me to think that it can not be her:( Actually, it has to be her since she's the only one married. Hehehe.

Now I couldn't help but smile and be cheesy. Dear old mom:)...This baby is going to be damn lucky since he's got all of us...Now I can actually say that finally after a long while, we are going to have a baby. God's gift...Heaven-sent...

Goodbye Lola Madre...

Our family received news of Sr. La Gracia Salvador's demise last Saturday, March 5, 2005. Sr. Grace or Lola Madre to us succumbed to cardiac arrest. She was 81 and was survived by her siblings, my grandmother and Lola Rosie. It was a sad day for all of us, especially for me since a lot of my childhood memories are comprised of visits to her at the RVM Convent. We simply call it The Mother House...I remember when I was a kid that we will visit her every so often and those visits were capped with a visit to the nearby Magnolia Ice Cream House. I also recall those days when I just play on the grounds of The Mother House while Lola Madre watches over. Then she'd talk to me afterwards and she'd tell me things like be a good kid, and be an obedient grand daughter to my lola among other things. What I so loved about Lola Madre was the fact that she's living a life of service to the Lord but she was so human at the same time. She was never the stiff and reserved one. In fact, she was so carefree and she has always been perky. She was never the prototype nun which spelled F-U-N for a child like I was then. She liked basketball, rooting for the Ginebra squad, and cheeseburgers...

At least she is now in the loving arms of the Lord, leaving behind a life well-lived in the service of God and his people. Thank you Lola Madre for the wonderful memories and for everything that you were to the family. I am going to miss you terribly...

Of Doodles and Spur-of-the-Moment Thing

I haven't really cleaned and sorted my stuff in the manner I really wanted to eversince I got back from my almost three-month stint in the US. Sure I kept my stack of souvenirs and photos hidden elsewhere where it won't be considered clutter. There were also receipts of my purchases and of lunches and dinners I've had when I went to NYC and NJ inserted between pages of my planner. But being my obsessive-compulsive self, I know I can do better than that (and I will clean-up one of these days). Nevertheless, I am actually grateful for these so-called clutters in my life for it is in these clutters did I find a note I doodled in one of those amazingly glorious days I had in November...
surreal
timid
giddy
nervous
tremulous
wobbly
chilly
sweet
warm
tender
sensual
pulsating
passionate
swirling thoughts of wanting and desire

and at the end of these random thoughts I wrote:

...where once your touch transformed my body, your love now shapes my soul and being...

Dr. Jerk-yl and Mr. Hide

*Y, my best guy friend, and I had an altercation this afternoon. It was supposed to be a pleasant chitchat since he actually greeted me happy birthday in advance. Then again, things have their own way of shaping up and one thing led to another and I ended up hanging up on him...

*Y and I have been friends for almost four years now and it wasn't under the most conventional circumstance that we've met. He was introduced to me by my orthodontist/friend *T for me to introduce him to some Chinese girls I knew. *Y at that time was actually looking for a "howe" (girlfriend to us mere mortals). He went to visit *T's clinic during one of my appointments, thus our introduction to each other took place. I never really liked him the first time I spoke with him prior to our meeting. He came across as obnoxious and really really self-absorbed. His favorite line was (and I quote him on this one) "Di naman ako gwapo, di ko naman kamukha si Aga Muhlach, at di rin ako cute. Malakas lang talaga appeal ko sa mga babae." And the first time I heard that I really couldn't help but say "Yeah right, di ka rin naman makapal ano?" To think that it was the first time we spoke to each other over the phone. He was so candid though and seemed so real so I really didn't mind talking to him.

Fastforward to today...Knowing who he really is, seeing him get over a break up, seeing him date other girls and finally move on is such a welcome treat. *Y's relationship with *J is at its most stable these days until two weeks ago when *Y told me that he's been seeing another woman whom I shall call *N. There was nothing serious to it according to him and he was just so smug that it was all N's fault because she knew in the first place that he has a grilfriend. *Y could really be such a jerk sometimes!!! This made me really angry but then I didn't reason with him. Besides, it's his life, he's of age and he can do whatever *f!%@^&! thing he wanted to so long as it makes him happy. And I wanted him to sort it out on his own. Then came the phone call this afternoon. He said "Pinagtataguan ko na yung babae ko Pareng Anne. Ayoko na eh." To which I replied "Good for you. But you need not hide from her you know." And that started the argument. *Y wanted to just disappear without explanations. For him, he didn't hurt anyone so he owed no one an explanation. I was just so disappointed in him that I hung up on him. After all the heartaches the he himself has gone through, I felt that he didn't learn a thing. He asked me as to what my thoughts on the matter were but when I tried to say something, he cut me off. So what's the use? I am in no position to judge him but I cannot bring myself to be sympathetic either. I just wanted to tell him that he should be man enough to face the consequences of his actions. He need not explain *N that it's already over and it's goodbye but he should at least acknowledge that he was wrong and that he had to stop whatever it was that needed to be stopped. He should stop justifying those things that has happened as if it was only *N who was at fault and that the burden's all hers to bear. It's so cowardly to just walk away. It's just so uncharacteristic of *Y to walk away just like that.

Despite the resurrection of the guy from Jerkdom, *Y remains to be my best guy friend and I sincerely wish for his happiness.

Dazed for Days

I woke up one night to a dream I wish I never had...

I heard a soft tap on our door. I get up to see who it was and there you were standing right in front of me. No bags, no luggages, nothing. It was you, just you and a bunch of flowers. I stand there tongue-tied waiting for you to say something. But you didn't say anything, not even a single word. You just smiled at me and gestured for me to let you in. And I did...

Then everything happened in a blur...you get to meet my parents and manage to get along with them. Then there was my entire family whom you've won over as well. I was just passively looking on while all these things took place...

Then all of a sudden, you were leaving and you were taking me with you. I felt really happy as if I would burst and my heart was swelling with excitement and with a lot other emotions that I could not fathom. I was unusually quiet though while all these were happening. Then poof!!!....I knew it was too surreal to be true and too sweet to be real.

I woke up one night to a dream I wish I never had...because I know in my heart that it'll remain just that, a dream. A dream that left me dazed for days...

The Best Things in Life are Free

Yes it's true...the best things in life are free:)

Here's a classic example...Flashback to April 2003. I was having a really terrible day at the office, you know when everything seems to go wrong and things actually do not go my way, when I decided to take a breather by going down to our office building's food court to look for something sweet. I thought that getting my sugar fix would compensate for the ho-hum morning I've been having. So I left my cube and went to the lobby and as I waited for the elevator, this guy that I used to have a crush on caught up with me. He then started a conversation to which I gamely responded to. The elevator finally stopped at our floor and we both stepped in, still continuing with our small talk. Then all of a sudden, I was like transported into a warp zone where all I heard was senseless noise and whirrring sounds (well I usually have this when I am stressed or when I am not in my element) and my ex-crush's words didn't make sense anymore. So as much as I hated to admit that I didn't get a single word of what he was saying, I had no choice but to say..."Sorry?" to which he replied with a big grin on his face..."Bakit ka sorry?" (Why are you sorry?)...I actually thought that he was kidding...but he wasn't!!! I wanted to laugh my head off but good thing I was able to get a hold of myself. And I actually had to explain to him what I meant when I said "Sorry?" When we arrived at our stop, I already lost the appetite to get my sugar fix so I had to make an excuse that I forgot something upstairs. On my way up, I really had a good laugh and I was thankful that it was just me inside the elevator...I saved a few bucks and also a few pounds that I should've gained all because of that free comic relief I had with ex-crush...Thank God he was an ex-crush. Teehehee...

When You Take a Closer Look

Snow from afar indeed looks pretty. The first time I've seen it, it literally took my breath away. One of the most amazing sights I've ever seen was that of a snow-capped mountain while we were on the road going to Las Vegas. I gasped with excitement the moment I first laid eyes on it. My uncle and aunt got excited for me since they told me that it doesn't happen all the time...well not at that time of the year and not in those parts of California. So the moment they got the chance to pull-over, they immediately did and made me step out of the car to have my picture taken. And being the silly and over-excited guest that I was, I did as I was told. I stepped out of the car without the proper gear. Geeez!!! It was pretty cold. I didn't have socks on and I was just wearing a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. But I was too excited to care during that moment. I was carefree and uninhibited...I was once again a child. I frolicked in the snow and grabbed a fistful of it...and I realized that it looked so much different up close. It wasn't all white..it wasn't as perfect as I thought it would be...but I will forever remember that moment...Life is sometimes like that...we admire something or someone from afar and given the chance to have a closer look, we take it, only for us to find out that things are not what they seem. Then we get disappointed and we somehow lose that sense of wonder and awe...and that for me is the saddest part since I believe in my heart that at least I had that moment...that chance to take a closer look...

This Girl Has Turned Into a Woman

I was on my way to the office when this song played inside the shuttle...

This girl has turned into a woman.
And I've dreamed of this moment all my life.
This girl has turned into a woman.
And I thank you for your tenderness last night.

As if those weren't enough, the end of the song goes...

And I want to love you again...tonight.

Ugh!!! It didn't sink in until the lyrics played over and over inside my head. It was really irritating to be afflicted with LSS and with a song like that!!! My friends could attest to the fact that I know a lot of trivial and oh-so-out-of-this-world things that sometimes I even amaze and amuse myself. Therefore, encounters with songs such as this one is just a piece of cake, or at least they should be. But trust me...di ko kinaya yung kanta (I don't think I was able to get a hold of myself)!!! So I did what I usually do in times of "misery"...I share it with friends. Hehehe. Unfortunately, it was *N who had to bear the brunt. I texted *N the lyrics I just heard and here's how things went:

*N: Nakng...anong kanta yan?
Moi: Hahaha. Kakaiba diba? Ang aga aga eh...It's an old song by I dunno who...Haay!!!
*N: Kanta ng mga na-jug! Hahaha
Moi: Ang galeng! Kanta nga ng mga na-jug na humihingi ng round two!!! Hahahaha

I forgot how our conversation ended but then it was a really good diversion from the ickiness I felt with the song that I actually ended up having a big grin on my face. Oh life is really good...especially with friends who can relate with my zaniness...indeed I am blessed:)

Encouraged Optimism

friday night almost ended on a sour note until i got a phone call from my guy best friend *y...it's been a while since i last heard from him. and his phone call could not have come at a much better time. you see, i waited for *c until 8pm knowing that i'd give her company as she planned to drink herself to death...i really didn't mind since i myself was excited to go on a drinking spree, my first in a long while since i actually don't drink. i have low tolerance for alcohol and i figured it's about time that i actually try to work on it...hahaha. but then again, something happened which led to the cancellation of our plans. *c got sick! and she didn't have the good sense to inform me earlier than she actually did since she was hoping she'd get better. in short i was left hanging on thin air...i wanted to wring her neck but then i realized it really wasn't her fault. i thought of just going home but then my folks were out as well. my sister was with them too. and i didn't have the key to the second door so it'd be useless if i went home. hungry, dizzy and tired, i planned on having dinner by my lonesome...then my mobile rang. it was *y. i never felt that happy upon hearing his voice. for one thing, i usually take his calls for granted. i also always make fun of him when we talk. but not that time...his voice was a salve to my aching head and back. he was my angel. he said that his line got cut and he had to find his other sim since he's been wanting to contact me the previous week. he then asked where i was and told me he'd pick me up. truth be told, it uplifted my spirit. just when i thought that i'd have a lousy evening, this really good friend of mine came to the rescue. i must say that this encouraged my optimism. i got what i wanted right that very moment i wanted it. all i was hoping for at that moment was someone who'd keep me company whether i chose to ate or simply rant. and he did just that. thanks *y...btw, i also got to try with *y VodkaIce and it was darned good...it was really good and that capped my night...

Musings...

got buzzed by a friend, *v, just this morning and she just asked how i was...and then the perennial question came. "ana, masaya ka ba?" to which i replied "i won't say i am totally happy. sino bang tao ang makakapagsabing completely happy sha? let me put it this way, i am happy but i could be happier." questions such as this one often catch me offguard driving me to introspect at the most inopportune time. *sigh*

i realized in one of my waking moments that i end my day with a prayer asking God to help me become a better person each day. i just don't know if i am giving my part of the bargain. but i hope i am. and part of that process of making me a better person are hardships and pain... sometimes, i ask myself (i never question God though), are the lessons learned worth all the pain i go through?...i can't say for sure but i something tells me they are...

Robbery in Broad Daylight

got a call last wednesday from this pre-need company and said that i was chosen as one of the lucky few to heve been granted a privilege card which i could use in over a hundred establishments. the first thing i asked was: what's the catch? they said nothing. that i just had to come by their office to pick it up and bring two valid IDs and a credit card...they also said that for every card that i have will entitle me to two raffle tickets that could win me a trip to boracay. i said i don't have the time to pick it up since i've lots of things to do. they adjusted the pick up time that will fit right in my sched. hmmm...they were that persistent. the moment i stepped in their office, i knew there's something up their sleeves...they actually tried to force down my throat an insurance policy i didn't want...the nerve of those people...oh well, good thing i was able to get out of it unscathed...just wanted to tell you to beware of those phoney calls...i just hope i still win that trip though...even though i gave them my two cents worth on the matter...it was plain robbery in broad daylight...

anyway, i still find it unbelievable that there are actually song titles like the ones i'd be listing below...i read this in reader's digest and these songs were actually collected by a certain Mike Harden, a columnist for The Columbus Dispatch in Ohio. Here are the best of the worst:

1. How Can I Miss you If You Won't Go Away?
2. If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Bestfriend (I Sure Miss Him)
4. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
5. Thank God and Greyhound (She's Gone)
6. The Man that Came Between Us (Was Me)
7. I got You on My Conscience, But at least You're Off my Back

It's been a looong day...

it's been a long day. i should've known the moment i awoke that it'll be a long day...i was late for work this morning. it was already 9am and i was still waiting for my ride. heck! i've to re-learn how to get up really early in the morning. i got so used to extending my snooze time that i always get up an hour after my set time for my alarm...hehe, not good!!!...then there was my stiff neck which really made me feel uncomfortable. i got it from sleeping right in front of my computer...i suddenly felt a pang of sadness as i missed my "quack doctor"...the one who loosened my tired and knotted muscles while i was away:)*sigh* come lunchtime, my mobile rang. it was *m, a dear dear friend of mine whom i haven't seen in a while. said she was nearby and asked if i wanted to meet up with her. how can i possibly say no? so despite my plans for lunch, i went to meet her up and cancelled my previous plans. it was great seeing her again. she was glowing...pregnancy indeed becomes her. and am just so happy and excited for her. it was just great seeing and talking to her again. we just laughed over stuff that we talked about but there were pensive moments as well...well, on my part at least...but it was nice and fun overall until we noticed that it was raining outside...aaaarrgghh!!! to think that the weather was pleasant earlier...it just sucked but then i didn't let that get to me since i was happy seeing *m again...when i got back at the office, i was a bit distracted with a few phone calls...those were my so-called ehem..."fans"...hehehe. seriously, so distracted was i that i had to stay until around 8pm at the office to finish what i was supposed to finish. when i got home, i just washed-up and took a shower. good thing i had coffee before i went home. i suppose it's what's been keeping me going up until this very moment...my eyelids are drooping but i still have a lot to do...my reaction papers are well, just a figment of my imagination for now...and possibly for a few more days. i've ben racking my brains for anything that i could write but i just can't force myself to do it. i know it'll come naturally...just like the way this entry came about...to think i was really bent on coming up with at least one reaction paper for the night...

Subok Lang

gabi na ng makauwi ako mula sa simpleng huntahan namin ng aking mga kaibigan...si *m, *j, *e at ako ay nagpangita sa isang lugar kung saan kami nakapag-usap, nakapag-yosi, nakakain at nakainom. biyaya para sa akin ang pagkakataong makasama ko ang mga taong itinuturing kong kaibigan kaya't kahit pagod at marami ang responsabilidad na kahaharapin pag uwi ko ng bahay, hala at sumige pa rin ako sa pakikipagkita sa kanila at di naman ako nagsisising ginawa ko iyon. masama man ang loob sa mga pangyayaring di kanais-nais sa opisina, kapaguran sa buong araw na pagttrabaho ng maayos, pagkalutang ng pagiisip sa mga di na napag-usapang bagay-bagay, naroon pa rin ang pagsisikap na maging matatag at masaya para sa isa't isa. kaya nga kami nagpasyang magkita-kita eh...dahil alam naming sa kabila ng mga nakasusuyang kaganapan at samu't saring prolema, kayang kaya namin maging masaya sa pamamagitan lamang ng pakikinig sa siphaya ng bawat isa.

hanggang dito na lang muna...

This Poem I Love...

I got this from E.E Cummings' Selected Poems...

very masterful...erotic and yet tasteful...

i like my body when it is with your body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big lover-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new